One reason women in Southeast Asia are often judged to be treated within their societies as "relatively equal" to men, is that most societies in the region have kinship systems that are organized bilaterally. People who are related to either the bride or the groom are considered to be relatives (this is in contrast to patrilineal or matrilineal where the couple after marriage are considered to be related only to the husband's or to the wife's side respectively). Bilateral kinship is the most familiar system to western observers, since our own family organization is also structured in this way. In a bilateral system there exists a large body of people to whom one is related, and whom one can call on for support. This body of people constitute a large pool of relatives called "bang p’aun " in Khmer, meaning literally "the olders and the youngers." Khmer often do not know the exact relationship of an individual to them, only that they are somehow "bang p’aun ". This category can also be extended through the establishment of fictive kin relationships where people "become" relatives by promising their allegiance to one another.
After marriage, Khmer express a stated preference for going to live with the family of the bride (uxorilocality). Traditionally a man would have had to do brideservice of two or three years for the bride's family before the wedding. The young man would have lived with and worked for the girl’s family, so they would have known him well. Khmer say that this pattern is safer for the girl who is afraid to leave her family. Although uxorilocality is the ideal, research shows that Khmer in fact are very pragmatic and go to live where the conditions are most favorable for the couple. According to Ebihara (1977), Khmer residency patterns are more likely to be the result of a process over time, rather than a single decision. Immediately after the wedding the couple will live with either the family of the groom or the bride, with slightly more choosing the bride's family. Whether or not they stay in that household will depend in part on where they are likely to inherit a house and land and where elderly parents need to be cared for. Over time many young couples will move out and establish their own separate residences.
Residence with or near the relatives of the woman's side can reinforce her position within the marriage and put the couple on more equal footing. If, for example, there is a problem of domestic violence, the woman will have relatives close by on whom she can call for protection. In a less extreme example, a women can influence family decisions by having relatives nearby who can help to accomplish a particular task in the way that she prefers.
The parents of the couple traditionally arranged marriages. The Khmer say "num min thom cheang nil ," the cake is not bigger than the scale; meaning that children do not know better than their parents how to make such judgements. Today young people are generally given a say in the matter, at least the right to refuse someone they find unacceptable. The young couple may know each other, in which case the proper procedure is for the young man to ask his parents to approach the parents of the woman. Marriages are not seen as the joining of two individuals, but as the linking of two families -- and their extended family networks. Marriage arrangements are often openly strategic; people hope to marry into families that are wealthy and/or well connected.
Brideservice was replaced in the 20th century by bridewealth, money paid from the family of the groom to the family of the bride. The money is used for the wedding arrangements, and often the balance is given to the couple as money to establish a household. This money was sometimes referred to as "the price of the mother’s milk" or "the worth of a house" (Ebihara1968: 471-472).
Given the demographic situation discussed above, recently there were opportunities for young men to improve their social status and that of their family by marrying wisely. The range of choices open to men was greater than that for women, particularly over the age of 25 or so, when it becomes almost certain that the woman will never marry. In the 1990s, some weddings involved waiving the bridewealth, or allowing the bride’s family quietly to slip a portion of the payment to the groom’s family in advance, only to have it ceremoniously returned during the course of the marriage negotiations.
In the countryside, households are often multigenerational. In the past, a couple might live with their children and a surviving parent or parents. After the Khmer Rouge regime, there were more variations on this form of extended household, with people taking in kinsmen in need, siblings, aunts, and so on – particularly widows (see Ebihara and Ledgerwood 2002).
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